Please make everything better..

Everything just really sucks all of the sudden. Honestly, I made Kyler sound so much better than he actually is. He didn't talk to me at all today. And that's what usually happens. We talk for hours one night and then I won't hear from him for a day or two. Sometimes a lot more. And it really sucks. He always does this. I'm tired of it. Why does everything have to be so difficult? Why can't everything be good and stay good? Things got bad at home today.. After mom's boyfriend got home anyways. I hate him, I really do. He honestly makes my life miserable. He acts like I am the worst person in the world and every little thing I do or say has to be a big deal like it's the end of the world. Mom doesn't care that I don't like him. She doesn't care that Abby doesn't like him. Any other mother I've ever heard talk always says "if my kids didn't like the person I was with, I wouldn't be able to stay with them." Why isn't my mom like that? Why can't she put her kids first? She really just doesn't care. I wish I was eighteen already. I'm ready to leave and never come back to this town. And my mom is just making me resent her more and more and when I'm eighteen I'm going to leave. No matter where I have to go or who I have to go with, I'm leaving. And if she's still with her boyfriend, I won't talk to her or see her. She's just pushing me away. If I could leave right now, I wouldn't think twice about it. I really wish I could. This house is like hell. Pure hell. And I'm tired of being here. I just want everything to be better. Obviously that isn't an option for me..

Back to hating my life.

It's my mother. I can be in a good mood and she never failes at putting me back in the worst mood ever. She doesn't care about me, or how freaking depressed I am. She doesn't care that I sit at home alone everyday of my life. Not to mention, ever weekend I'm home alone all day and she doesn't even get home until 12:30 at night. Last night she came home at 10:30 and as soon as she got here she left and went to her friend's house. Then didn't come home until 3 in the morning. She doesn't even care that it bothers me. I mean, I never get to see my own mother, and she doesn't care to spend time with me. She knows that I never talk to anyone, go anywhere, or do anything. But she doesn't care. I ask if I can have a friend come over, and she says no. And I know it's just because she doesn't want them here. God forbid I have a friend over and have a good time. No, she wouldn't want that. I just wish she cared more. It's pathetic, really. I'm so tired of being alone all the freaking time. I hate my life.

It's Just Getting Good.♥

Well, I'm glad to say that life's getting better. I know I haven't blogged in a while and normally when I do blog it's a sad things. But not this time. I think it's safe to say I'm out of one slump I was in for quite some time. But, I have managed to get myself into another slump. But it's a different kind of slump, and better than the last one. Doing homeschooling has limited me from all my "friends." So, I just don't talk to anyone anymore. I hardly even talk to Laiken. And that's not good. She's my best friend. I mean, I basically used to live with her. And now I make up excuses so I don't have to go to her house. Honestly, I don't really understand why. I've just sheltered myself from literally everyone. I never go anywhere or do anything. Hardly even use my phone. I stay up all night by myself because the night is like my day. And I like it better because I'm by myself. So I pretty much wake up at 4 in the evening. And that's my schedule. But, I'm trying to kind of get back to the old me. I've been trying to talk to my old friends more and start associating again. But, things are kind of just getting good. I've been talking to this boy, and he's really sweet. He's really the only person I'll actually talk to and have a full conversation with. If it was anyone else, I'd ignore them. And not reply to their texts or anything. But with him, I wait and hope that he'll text me. And when he does, I get butterflies. ♥ I may be 14, and everyone may think I'm stupid.. But I'm not. Don't say I'm just a kid being immature. I actually find myself very mature for my age. Regardless of what anyone thinks. I mean yes, I am 14 and can be immature. But I really am more mature than most people know. Anyways, I need to think of a name for this boy. Because I wouldn't want anyone to know.. So Kyler sounds good. And I promise, his name really isn't Kyler. But that's what I will refer to him as. Me and him talk about a lot. And we really have a lot in common, and I like that. He's really down to earth and extremely sweet. There's just one bad thing about it all. And I can't say what it is. And really, with that one thing comes another thing. Oh, how I wish I could say what it is. On another topic.. There's a girl I have on my friends on Facebook. She lives about 30 minutes away from me. But me and her just happened to start texting earlier and I have a ton in common with this girl! It's amazing, really. We agree about everything, really. Her name is Stephanie. She does the same online schooling that I do. Which is really amazing considering I don't know anyone else from around here that does ECOT. But, she stays up all night like I do. She doesn't like the high school drama like I don't. We're in the same grade. Her favorite color is purple, and so is mine. And she's just really cool. And that's another person that I talked to and didn't just stop replying to her texts. She's funny and down to earth. So that's another good thing that's been happening to me. I want to meet her really bad. I have a feeling we'd be really good friends, and I think I definitely need more friends. She has the same problem as me to.. She doesn't talk to very many people because she does homeschooling. It's just awesome how much alike we are. Christmas is coming up soon. ♥ I will finally be able to get Jurgen Derek. (My puppy.) And I cannot wait! I also can't wait until I'm 18. (: And I can't tell you about that one either.. Goodbye for now.

I can't do this anymore..

It's bullshit. That as I sit and write this, I am at home alone, in tears. With no one to talk to. And there's nothing I can do. It's bullshit that you knew about one thing, and didn't care. It's bullshit that I was treated like that, and nothing was done about it! And I have to go to school and put up with the bullshit there and then have nightmares about my past every single night. It's bullshit that I have a mom who won't listen and doesn't give a damn. It's bullshit that I have to live the life I live. I don't know what everything is just now starting to hit me, but it is. And I can't do this anymore.

Just A Thought..

Ok, so Laiken made me realize that maybe this whole Blog thing isn't the best idea. And I'd say she's right. Certain things people don't need to know, and they certainly don't need to be on the internet. But, what's posted is posted. I can't take that back. But, I'll be careful about what I put on here.. ♥

Did you ever think?

Do you ever think back?

Think back on the things you did? Do you ever try to put yourself in my shoes? Did you ever think how things will affect me? Do you ever see the things you have done? Sometimes, I don't think you do. It hurts me to know you don't. It hurts because I know how it feels. I know how it feels because that person is me. I'm the person who has to live with what you did. It may be in the past to you, But to me it lives on everyday. You don't know what it's like to feel this way like I do; and I blame
you. You don't know how it feels to bite back so hard on this anger. None of my pain and woe can show through. Do you have any idea? There are so many things I want to say to you. But I get the best of myself.
I push and push it away, Hoping it will just disappear. It's hard to wish it away when there are flashbacks..I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say. And you can't take back what you've taken away.
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First Blog.

I guess I'll start off by saying I'm Caroline. I am fourteen years old and a freshman. I live in Jackson. I have one sister, Abby, two half brothers, Johnny and Eric, and a step brother, Michael. My mom's name is Brandy. My dad's name is Roger. Up until this past few weeks I've called him my sperm donor because that's basically what he's always been. When I was five my mom got married to a guy named Jack. Me and Jack were very close and I considered him my dad. When I was in sixth grade my mom and Jack started to be off and on all of the time. So Abby, my mom, and I moved to Columbus. We only stayed there for half a year then moved back to Jackson. I cried and cried and begged my mom not to move. I wanted to stay in Columbus and away from Jack, and she knew why. We ended up moving back to Jackson anyways, and back in with Jack. Two years later they split up again, for good this time. Not soon after my mom had a new boyfriend, Paul. Paul has a boy named Michael (my stepbrother). I never got along with Paul. And I always wanted my mom to leave him, but she never would. Now today, they are split up and he is moving out. And I couldn't be happier about that. I have one bestfriend, Laiken. This summer I moved in with her and have been with her since. Some nights we stay at my house and other nights we stay at her house. She knows everything there is to know about me. I trust her with everything and I go to her for all of my problems. I forgot to mention that I do not talk to Jack anymore. We have absolutely no communication. The last time I spoke with him was last week when he called my phone and told me that I am worthless and will never be anything. Other things I forgot to mention would be that my mom smokes weed about every day. And I do not agree with it at all. But, she doesn't care. She still does it. I have a lot of hate and anger towards my mom. Jack gave me and Abby a horrible childhood. He was extremely strict and I never got to do anything. I often got screamed at and I was very sheltered. I didn't have any privacy and he always found out about everything I did somehow. I hated him. But at the same time I couldn't because that was the only dad I'd ever had. He now has a new wife and kids whom I feel extremely sorry for because I know they will go through what I went through too. Aside from all that I have issues with kids at school. Mostly the freshman boys. They always have to say mean things and they never realize how much it gets to me. I'm very emotional and I cry a lot. Some of the time for no reason at all. I do not like my life at all and I've thought about killing myself and tried it many times before. No one knows what I go through. No one knows anything about my life. I can put on the fake smile at school, but at home it just isn't possible to fake it anymore. The only person that's ever really been there for me aside from Laiken is Connor. He's my bestfriend and I don't know what I'd do without him. The only person that really knows a lot about me is Stephen. And now days he's too good to talk to me. And that sucks. I feel like I have no one anymore. So I decided that I'll just start writing it all. And even after all this typing, I still haven't gotten to the secret. Goodbye for now.